svētdiena, 2017. gada 30. jūlijs

I've wanted to write something for a while now...

First of - let's start with an apology - I've been wanting to write something for a while now, but things got in the way. Different circumstances, both moral and physical, but here we are now so let's make the most out of it.
Perhaps to say I have wanted to write something could be the incorrect term here even. Rather create I guess. Do and be. You know how the story goes. Or do you?
There used to be a boy who was good at stuff. He used to take it for granted, but then he grew up. He learned of the world and made mistakes. He learned what he could and tried to make the most out of it. He didn't think he'd get far, but he's not so sure now. He wants to utilize his potential, but due to lack of mental endurance and stubbornness he doesn't get too far these days. Just what is it that this soul desires? Perhaps we should rather ask - how do you fill a void in the  dark left by years of pain and suffer? Little by little apparently. That's how I roll. I'm not  sure whether to be ashamed of me being slow or not. I'm just there and I look. I take a deep breath and glance over my surroundings once more as the sound of the keyboard overwhelms the sound of my game that has now started. I enter, I kill, almost die, survive, but I perish in the end either way.
That's how life goes.
For one it begins, while another receives the sentence of death. What it all comes down to is this - And in the end it doesn't even matter... hah. Thought I would quote Linkin park here didn't ya? Not quite, but let's get back on track - what it all comes down to is this - did I succeed? In this huge sandbox clusterfuck of a game - did I win? How do you that even? Is the fact that I'm even asking such a question a sign that I am just some casual pleb who doesn't know where the game really begins? How competitive is this? And how far am I willing to go?
At least I got my values straight so let's see what does those say - Truth,  honor, justice, love. Looks like I'm kind of a really nice and caring person. Not much to do with being competitive here. My passions? Video games, books, history. Would be nice if learning was one of those. Why not make it so? And why haven't I done it so far? What is it, that is holding me back? I guess I have already answered my own question here have I not? My passions. Yours. Ours. We spend time on them. not to say it's a bad thing to waste some time, but what are your priorities in that case to make this complain about not spending enough time writing/working/reading/learning? I know mine. My family and myself, which would include - my family - literally, and my closest friends. There are some more of course, but this is the one at the top of the list. So I guess one should figure out how to make your priorities work for yourself. Could you imagine I spent several hours just trying to write this? I didn't expect that this single entry would take so long either, but it's true what they say after all. Practice makes perfect. Guess my time spent here wouldn't be so long if I had written more during this year. Yet again - the question presents itself - but why?
Did things got in the way that bad? Or did I make up excuses and allowed my skill to wither? I wish I had the endurance to keep my promises. Let's clarify though that I'm not referring to those I've made to other people. Somehow I mostly keep those. I'm talking about the ones I made to myself (for examination of proof check my last few entries and their dates). I disappoint myself more then anyone else really. I am my own death and my undoing. I'm the one that breaks my own promises made to myself. This ... is a feeling of guilt creeping by, reminding me what's been done and what still awaits. Life once again seems to prove just how weird and twisted it is. I am my own beast, but could I be the beauty? Mayhaps one day when I see myself as those around me do and who knows, might be I'll become truly strong - and do the right thing ALWAYS regardless of others and their methods. That is what I think of it. This is what I feel. My voice as it echoes through the abyss of never-ending internet. Will it be heard? And more importantly - does it matters if it's heard or not?
In the end though. Your life matters. It's beautiful. Your mistakes - they matter too. Same as these words. Might be some will make none of it. Maybe someone can learn from it. I guess I've learned something here as well you know. Maybe, just maybe I'm slowly coming to terms with who I am. Little by little, it's not about the fall, step by step, we all learn to crawl, at a moments notice - ones life is gone. Make the most out of it. And live through it all. It should be worth it in the end.
And as usual let's wrap things up with a song - who remembers this one by the way?


Have a nice day!