When I feel like dying.

Sometimes I feel like dying. I bet you all can imagine the how it is. When something or someone triggers that emotion, or lack of them which makes us want not to exist. Why do I start with something like that? Well. Speaking the truth. Cause that's kind of how I feel at the moment. Well. Slightly. I wish for it all to be over, even though there is not much more here than just life itself and my death would only bring more suffering to everyone rather than any joy, but I like playing around with my emotions. My thoughts. It's funny. I know that I should have no objective reason to feel this way then again, when have you felt emotions because of objective reasons? Well. Maybe looking from an objective point of view something has just been so bad, that you feel even worse. Like the holocaust. Don't know if I wrote it correctly, but truth be told - don't care that much either - too lazy to check cause writing mood and don't want to alt+tab from the notepad screen which I'm slowly filling with this nonsense. Well. Maybe nonsense. Maybe not. Reflection of ones mind and inner world? Perhaps.
Ok moving on. Holocaust might be bad. Ok it. Both from an objective point of view and that's subjective opinion as well. But still. Don't we feel bad more because we with our subjective mind see things as sad? We see them as sad because they are sad to us, while some people might encourage said actions because they believe such acts are good according to their subjective point of view? Or is it now a question of morality and standarts? The inner-self and the greater evil? Greater good? Maybe? It's possible. Don't know for sure. I'm drunk on emotions. And I want to express them.
To be honest. I don't remember what point I had when I started writing. I had one. I'm pretty sure of that. Like c'mon. It's me. What did you expect? Random babble? Well. Could be if you know the full extent of my randomness. But this mirror of my inner self. In a way. And do you want to know what he is saying? I can tell you. But some might not listen. Some even might, but it doesn't mean they will hear. Nothing will change - unless you change it yourself. If by some weird reason reason you believe that you are the reason of all the problems, God bless, don't take this as proof that you are. Because even though the source problem can be found within ourselves quite often it doesn't mean it always is there. The biggest problem ussually is the mindset of a person. The way the percieve things and their mindset then twists and shapes the reality in all sorts of crude and ugly shapes. I have a subjective reason to feel like I would want to die. Why? Because the place I'm at - even though I'm kind of calling it home (for now and for most of my childhood) - it has painful memories that somehow manage to come back to the surface of my mind when I'm located here. Thank God and thanks to other people who have helped me overcome a lot of faults in my thinking I can accept that - Yes. I hate this place. Because of what happened. It doesn't it's a bad place per se. It just means it's a bad place for me now. But I can change it. I can not focus on it. And input my energy into something else. Something productive. And be reasonable about all this feeling down stuff while still thinking over it, in the meantime understanding that it ain't exactly what I need or what I should do. Instead. I should change it. And I shall.
All of us. I believe we can. We can change. And we change the world around us. We can help. As the motto of the Belgium goes - United we stand, divided we fall. Or something amongst those lines. I believe you get the picture. And in case my random babblings have gotten you down. Follow the instructions bellow:
a) get some balls of steel!
b) put some metal on! (or whatever you listen to)
c) ride out and enjoy the awesome adventure which is called life. Cause you deserve it!
P.s. About why these 2 songs. Well. A. They are both awesome. And B.) It depends on your subjective judgement, but the same person can be both a hero and a monster at the same time. Kinda like Hitler.

Piezīmes sev apdomājot dzīvi

Nu tā. Ir apnicis būt nomāktam. Tam esmu gana daudz pēdējā laikā ļāvies un centies uzlikt masku. Tāpēc pie dirsas visu. Dzīve ir skaista. So. KKas jauns un šoreiz arī latviski. Ceru jums patiks :)

Piezīmes,
Sev - ejot pa ceļu,
Seko piemērs - cerību stars,
Laimes un prieka - sajūta, miers,
Mirklis un dziesma,
Mute un miesa,
Vārds, tā spēks,
Palicis tikai - nākotnes lāsts,
Ceļš tik grūts,
Skaties kur mūc,
Ka kājas nepaklūp,
Jo dzīve, tā cieta,
Kā no dimanta lieta,
Paša rokām nopulēta,
Mūsu darbiem ieveidota,
Cīnoties ar trūkumu,
Tā apmierina tavu vajadzību.
Dzīve -
Te nu būs, tava rota,
pildīta bēdām, raudām,
Tā izaicinājumiem pilna,
Bet neviens neteica, ka būs viegli,
Kalt šo rotu,
Nest savu kalnu,
Uzkāpt mēnesī,
Un nocelt zvaignes debesīs.
Tomēr dzīve.
Tā skaista mēdz būt.

Sooo. Nu jā. Un divas manuprāt labākās dziesmas no vienas (atkal jau manuprāt) no labākājām filmām ever.

Dewey Cox story: Walk Hard

Chess pieces.

Another post fully in english eh. Why? Well... I don't know for sure myself, but maybe because my heart is a bit heavy and it's easier to perform self-reflection this way. Well. Somewhat.
So today. I'm going to talk bout chess pieces. Not chess. But chess pieces. There is a clear distiction between the two. One is a strategic game where players both start on the same ground with the same conditions and a battle of wits, tactics and strategy ensues. The others. They are just a part of the game. The most important one at that. Cause if not for the chess pieces we could not have this game. And just as every other piece, I too am a part of this game. But where do I stand? I ain't just a simple pawn anymore, so that role is out of the question. I'm not that full of myself to demand the role of the king. Well. Not yet at least. Me - a queen. Now that would be funny, but sadly that's not the one either. Even looking beyond the whole gender thing, my strenght and influence doesn't reach nearly as far as that of a queen. Could I be a rook? Not even close. Well. Perhaps in the future, but I'm not the type of a person who can just keep going straight. A knight? Maybe. I am kind of jumping around all the time and I am quite the trickster who manages to pull of amazing stunts in a situation with no way out, but there is another piece I associate myself more with. So that leaves me with just one option. The bishop.
Why the bishop?
Well... the way I see it. As a piece the bishop has real trouble going straight. In order to get to the tile 2 spaces in front of him, he needs to moves. He can jump all around, but without the support of others he ain't that good on his own. A bishop is a man tied to religion, which I can also reference myself to. Even though they should be dedicated to religion, there are multiple accounts of the inner struggle between the right and wrong, as man of God are often submitted to temptations. Indeed. It takes a lot of strenght and faith in order to overcome these temptations. Even though they cold be educated in many matters, sometimes this extra knowledge means a lack of knowledge in many other spheres. Thus comes a lifetime of learning more and more bout oneself, the world and God.
Alas. We come to this. Last but not least. They are at the side of each king and queen. I had my queen. But her path was not meant to be crossed with mine. I found another. But she chose another man. I had a king. But my path led away from him, cause I had learned what I needed to be able to move on. Funny. But just a few days ago I managed to lose another queen. I can't help a person unless they are willing to help themselves. Noone can. I don't know. Whether it's hope. Or intuition. Certainly I hope it's the last, cause mine is so accurate at times that it starts getting creepy, somehow I think the future events have been shown to me. Oh well. We will see. I just hope that when the time comes, that God will drive me in the right direction.
I don't know. Maybe it helped. Maybe it did not. Maybe it was just a random rambling, to be shattered upon the rock. Rock of future. Rock of faith. Rolling on. Waiting for the sky, to fall down upon, once to be obeyed by the law, picking out the very shortest straw. Well. Who knows. Maybe all of us. On some deeper level. Maybe none. Nontheless. Life is fun. Beautiful. Harsh. And rough. It's a matter of opinion. Cause even the most rainy day, can have a silver lining. Just look close enough. Maybe you'll see. All the priceless beauty - in front of thee.
So yeah. The argumentation might be a bit weak. Depends on how you look at it. But I wanted to do this. So here I am.
Question. Which chess piece would you pick for yourself?
And what would my blog be without another nice song. Or a song and an ost from a very awesome anime with a good plot
So people. Enjoy.
And once again blogger doesn't want me to find the video  I want from it's youtube video adder. Something is weird. Is this a conspiracy or something so only the familiar names could be heard? I dunnoh. Well. Here is the video.
Also as an extra added bonus. Some more Trigun ost.

 And the translation for the song as it in Japanese:
So... On the first night,
a pebble falls to the earth from somewhere.

So... On the second night,
The pebble's children hold hands and sketch a waltz.

Sound life

So... On the third night,
The children of the waltz cause ripples on the face of the world

So... On the fourth night,
the children of the wave spray the shore.

Sound life

So... On the fifth night,
those shards strike the face of the earth over and over.

So... On the sixth night,
those signals bring travellers together.

Sound life

So... On the seventh night,
a weightless ship races to the sky.

So... On the eighth morning,
a song from somewhere reaches my ears.

Sound life

Well then... A song that has recorded everything
echoes to the new sky.

Sound life
Sound life

Holyland

Soooo.... This entry is going to be english. Don't like it? Then leave. Cause I'm going to talk bout stuff that you can read online in english only. So yeah. Huh. Erm. Where to begin? I guess with the cause. Which would be? Doing something productive? Middle of night. Yeah I know. Not the best time. But I'm an owl and I work better at night. Besides. Wasn't able to fall asleep, so decided to finally do this. Do what? Well the title kind of gives it away, but write this poem actually. It has been a long time since something has moved me so emotionally that I'm willing to write something just cause of it. Some of my poems were just attempts to recreate. The spark. The muse. The link. Call it whatever. If you write prose or poetry I think you should get the point. But let's not get offtopic shall we? By now you might/might not have forgotten what mentioned earlier. That I was inspired. This thing. It was a manga. One of the damn best ones I've read so far actually. It's kind of bout martial arts. Kind of. But. It's much more. It's about life. Living. Finding your place. And being yourself. I can't explain it no matter how well I tried. All else that I want to mention is that I cried near the end. The ending contains a HUUUUUGE plot twist. You might. Might not see it coming. If you did. Well. You certainly know your assholes. Go and check it out by clicking here.
Wanted to put in a wikipedia article, but they don't really have it - surprise, surprise eh?
So without further delay - the poem I talked about - and the song which I was listening to while writing this.

Hmmm. For some reason the usual way how to add videos doesn't allow me to add the video here. Weird. Well. Just click here for the song then.

Holyland

So here I was,
In the middle of the road,
Lonesome traveller,
Carrying on,
Searching far and wide -
For a place to call my own.
Somewhere to stay -
Where I could belong,
And grow on my own.
This, mine, your and ours - holyland .

So there I am,
Middle of the fight,
Crusader of truth,
In the neverending battle of life,
Looking for knowledge,
In this place of mine.
Sometimes I know -
We will need to hold the line,
Can we do that?
To protect which is that -
Our holyland.

There I will be,
Striving for glory,
Justice and might.
Intrigue and romance -
What a fancy sight,
To be seen beyond the curtain,
Stepping through which,
Almost impossible seems.
One step at a time,
It doesn't get closer.
Two steps and I'm tired of trying.
Enough is enough.
My decision is set.
I shall cross the veil,
I - will be there,
your, their, but especially - mine,
In the holyland.

ja es pats spētu saprast, kas notiek manā galvā. Būtu jau jauki ^^

Tātad tā. Jāņu. Slimības un nostalģisku skumju un citu nervu čakarējošu elementu iespaidā pagājušo nedēļu nebiju šeit īpaši aktīvs. Bija panīkums. Dvēseles sāpes. Cik daudz man būs sevī jānes līdz iemācīšos to visu paciest? Es nevaru aizmirst. No kurienes esmu nācis. Un kur esmu tagad. Ir pagājis ilgs laiks, noiets garš ceļš, bet vēl tik daudz ir priekšā. Man arī dažkārt sāp zinieties. =D daže. Bet nu. Tagad jau kaut cik emocionāli stabilāks salīdzinoši ar pagājušo nedēļu, kad manas fantāzijas atkal lika man aizdomāties līdz viss kaut kam ļoti murgainam ir labāk. So yeah. KKas ko tikko uzcepu melanholijas un hip-hopa ietekmē.

Dzīve tik skaista,
Sapņaina dažkārt miegaina,
Izplūdusi skrien man garām,
Gluži vairs nav kur paskriet tālāk,
Viss tik priekšā, bet ne es,
Ne tur, ne tev, ne sev pats,
Atklāties nespēju, nedz tālāk par degunu redzēt,
Kur migla jau rosās un dzīvnieki tostās,
Pazuduši iekārtas ķēdēs, tie lēnām jau sāk mosties,
Caur brikšņiem un dadžiem lauzties,
Atstādami krūmus, zarus lauztus iepakaļ,
Tik un tā piedūrīgos tos nesdami tālāk,
Lai vēlāk vien to atmest spētu,
Neredzot - ak kur tie bija, dvēslē iemīcīti,
Turpina tie bojāt dzīvi,
Klusi - nemanāmi, cenšoties nu ļoti,
Lai to, kas sirdī iedūries,
Nebūtu vēlme izņemt, izraut -
Tikt no dadža vaļā,
Nesaprotot jēgu,
Kaitīgi mēdz būt,
Ja ierobu uzplēst sanāk,
Tač čaļi smies,
Kas tu - vai tad tāda bāba?
Ko pa ielu skraidi, raudi,
Paklausies sevī,
Vai tad tie nav maldi,
Iedomu valgi,
Ko kā dadžus tik nesam sev tālāk,
Un tālāk,
Un tālāk arvien.

Something I'm a bit proud of...

there's something a miss,
sudden lonely kiss,
somewhere there
lost in the mist,
didn't matter, don't go,
there's not much left to show,
on with the road, but no more do I see,
the paths and valleys ahead of me,
Losing the muse, within the urge,
Surge of emotions, all they are,
sweeping over me,
All over and under
clear blue skies
all upon thee,
Within the world - so dark and gray,
No single trace of white, left under my skin,
Shame, dishonor, degrading of kin,
Lost - I was,
in what's to come,
and what's to pass,
moving on the next phase,
one step, one move,
closer and closer every time,
trying much better,
oh just to be found, understood -
well maybe,
another thought on the highway,
trust in a nutshell.

up a sudden urge,
a wave,
coming closer
and closer,
as it falls,
upon down,
streets of dread - casually passing by.
image of mirrors,
reflecting myself,
touching one yet touching all,
just how slowly,
does matter move on,
in rivers of blue,
green,
yellow even,
one for all
and all for one,
mind,
body,
soul,
unison in all.
God.
All-mighty.
Jesus Christ.
I believe what I want.
What you choose,
That's your life,
Path, road - most important of all
It's what matters and I see,
Decision is exactly all - that makes me.

Now,
Please tell me,
Is it the poem that makes me?
Makes my soul,
My heart,
Burn on with desire,
Trying to transpire,
find the truth,
one and only light,
fighting for your life,
every hour,
every day,
daring to think,
it never was easy,
though we are not,
that weak inside,
reminding yourself,
to fight for your life.
Trying to rise,
night by night,
Let the hero arise.


Well. To be honest. It feels like coming down to too much a sharp cut at the end, so most likely I'm gonna update this one to be a bit better, with some more of a fitting ending. Sooooooo. Potato anyone? =D
K. This might be all for me folks. I dunno. Mby going. Mby not. But. You might say I have magical powers of predicting future. But. I believe I will go to sleep soon xD I love how women make a man feel so damn confused xD Awesome ain't it ;)

Noone said it would be easy.

Jau kārtējo reizi. Atskatoties pagātnē uznāk kauns. Par savu rīcību. Un to cik biju čīkstelīgs mazs emo puika. Bet nu par to īpaši daudz nav jārunā. Savādāk atkal. Dievs pasarg. Sākšu vēl vairāk čīkstēt :D
Kā jau lielākai daļai cilvēku, kas ir piedzīvojuši 21.gs. miju man nav bijusi tā patīkamākā bērnība. Bet tāda dzīve. Interesanti. Ka cilvēki, kam ir bijusi normāla bērnība, bez vardarbības, dzīves trūkumā, vai sabojātām attiecībām ar vecākiem/ vai vecāku starpā, manā pieredzē gandrīz vai nav. Vai tā ir 20. un 21. gadsimta vaina? Jeb tikai cilvēka nepilnības, ko esam centušies labot, bet kaut kā īsti nav sanācis? Tehnoloģija progresē. Arvien ātrākos tempos pietam. Bet šķiet. Ka cilvēks nekur uz priekšu netiek. Mēs vēljoprojām balstāmies uz veco, ko esam sasnieguši un lai gan it kā varam saskatīt nākotnes perspektīvas, bet vai cilvēcei ir nākotne? Vai ir kur attīstīties? Varbūt karš Ukrainā varētu pat būt raksturojams, kā cilvēcei par labu esošs? Lielākā daļa sabiedrības līdz Ukrainai dzīvoja ilūzijās, ka viss ir forši jauki pūkaini, ja neskaita iekšpolitikas lietas un ekonomikas stāvokli dažādās valstīs un sociālajos slāņos. Un lai gan daudzkur pasaulē notika un vēljoprojām notiek protesti pret valdošo iekārtu, tas vienkārši populārākajos publiskajos medijos nav ticis atspoguļots, jo pretestība vienā pasaules galā, var iedvesmot citus sacelties. Tas nav ekonomiski izdevīgi. Un tā. Lielākā daļa dzīvo miera ilūzijā jūtoties pilnīgā drošībā. Ukraina. Tur savukārt ir savādāk. Šo protestu var pilnībā novelt tikai uz iekšpolitikas sekām un ārpolitikas spiedienu. Tā būtu tā kā cīņa par demokrātiju un kapitālismu, ko redzam mūsdienās. Tāpēc tas ir jāzin. Bet. Līdz ar seperātistu darbībām Ukrainā un to, ka drīz vien tur visticamāk iesoļos Krievijas karaspēks Eiropai tiek atgadināts, ka miers nav patstāvīgs un varbūt novērsīs domas no tā, kas ir mazsvarīgs un mēs pievērsīsimies svarīgākām vērtībām nekā popmūzika un brendu apģērbs, padomāsim nedaudz vairāk par saviem tuvākajiem un varbūt iemācīsimies nedaudz vairāk par mīlestību un dzīvi. Varbūt atnāks apziņa. Ka "Ukraina" var notikt jebkur. Nedaudz muļķīgas. Varbūt. Iespējams. HVZ. Sazin kādas pārdomas darba laikā, kamēr ALISE tiek atjaunināta.